


Fade

by Wonkyun



Series: Changkyuns suffer [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Low Self Esteem, M/M, No mercy references, Panic Attacks, Past Suicide Attempt, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Secrets, Suicidal Thoughts, Victim Blaming, by the victim, changkyun deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 05:23:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13427682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: Changkyun knows what happens next , knows that he has to plaster a smile on his face and try to convince everybody, including himself, that it was all consensual and he's okay. He's okay, he swears he is , all he has to do is ignore the feelings tearing him apart from the inside out.  It's easier said than done.





	Fade

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> Implied/referenced rape/non-con  
> Implied/references underage sex  
> Violence  
> Suicidal thoughts and ideation
> 
> Inspired by the song:  
> Fade- Lewis Capaldi
> 
> "Guess that im a fool for the way that you caught me"  
> "You come ripping all the air from out of my lungs"

Changkyun swears he can see his life shattering to pieces infront of his own eyes. Gunhee is still standing in the doorway, stock still, mouth opening and closing as he tries to articulate his words. Changkyun can feel his heart pounding in his throat and his ears and behind his eyes. His life is over, it's official. Gunhee is going to tell everyone and then people are going to know the truth. People are going to know how vile changkyun is , he's going to lose everything and he knows that its built up for too long and now it's all bursting out and he knows this won't be clean, this is going to be messy and heartbreaking and everything changkyun knows he deserves . Pain. 

 

Jinsun is the first to snap back into life by grabbing the fluffy blanket off the side of the desk and throwing it over changkyuns naked and exposed body, as if acting as he cares might make gunhee believe that it was consensual and changkyun was not bruised and sobbing bent over the desk. The real reason jinsun threw the blanket over him was probably more to do with his possessive nature and because he didn't want anybody else looking at what he owns moreso than any care for changkyuns comfort.As if changkyun was just a possession that had no say. Changkyun knows his place though, knows what's expected of him and what he has to do . Knows that he practically is a possession, a toy he might even say, something to sit quietly and look pretty. To be used and tossed aside.

 

"Gunhee ,im obviously busy here so this better be very important." jinsun directs towards gunhee while he subtly buttons up his pants and grabs changkyuns stiff shoulders to pull him up to his feet. His hands don't move from changkyuns shoulders as he attempts to rub the tension from his shoulders and get him to breathe properly, a mock display of comfort and trust, pretending that maybe this was just a big misunderstanding and that jinsun really did care for changkyuns feeling of discomfort.

 

Changkyun however finds no comfort in any action that involves jinsun hands and if anything,his ability to breathe and function properly, drops dramatically the second he's stood up on his feet and forced to face the situation at hand. He stares down at the ground and foolishly hopes of it opening up and swallowing him whole, he knows that that thought is the most unrealistic and least likely thing to happen in this situation, but he can't help but wish for a simple escape, one where he doesn't have to face the consequences of letting somebody take home in his body and ruin him so deeply that he becomes as worthless as he feels.

Gunhee is now frantically looking at changkyun and then back to jinsun and then all around the room in rapid succession, as if he is trying to picture the situation together. Changkyun stands as still as he can manage and tries to relax, tries desperately to put on a facade and make this seem normal and completely consensual. If changkyun is going to be ruined for being a slut who slept with a manager then people might aswell think he wanted it instead of him being a naive slut that accidentally asked for it.

 

He feels so unworthy just looking at gunhee, the barely repressed guilt of taking a spot that should have been his on no mercy. Gunhee was something to much better than changkyun in talent and personality alike, he deserved the position in monsta X and now, after walking in on this, he probably has some ideas on why changkyun got the position over him. Some horrible ideas that make changkyun feel even more sick with himself and the reason why he can't eat anymore, he can't force food down his throat because all he can think of is how gross and undeserving and dirty he is, how everybody believes that he was promised to debut. 

 

The truth was that he never was promised to debut, no amount of getting fucked by jinsun would have gotten him debuted, he was simply picked to join and truthfully he had never truly wanted to win. He knew all along that he was not good enough and that he didn't deserve it and the guilt he felt after he was picked was enormous and still sometimes overwhelmed him. It was the silent voice in his head that told him not to speak, that told him he couldn't laugh and joke and play around because he wasn't even supposed to be there. It was that feeling of a clawed hand forcing itself down his throat every time he looked at food.

 

Changkyun remembers the night he was picked to debut with monsta X, vividly. He had just been to jinsuns office earlier on in the day and was feeling particularly disgusted with himself, that disgust only increased tenfold the second he heard his name announced. He remembers stumbling backwards, the dizziness that hit him caused by the overwhelming feeling of guilt and disgust rather than disbelief and happiness as the others were feeling. He felt guilty because he knew that everyone else in no mercy was twenty times more talented and good looking and idol worthy than he could ever wish to be. They were all so perfect and friendly and they all hated changkyun with a burning passion , he really couldn't blame them, they could probably smell the impurity off of him.

God changkyun just wishes he threw himself into the river that night jinsun first touched him, three years ago. His life would be so much easier if he had just ended it right there. He wouldn't be stuck now, staring into the eyes of somebody he has stolen from and trying desperately to conjure some type of a convincing smile, as if in any world gunhee wouldn't go straight to his bandmates and tell them everything, recount every single detail of changkyun being a slut that got what he deserved. 

 

"What is going on here?? Im calling the cops, changkyun get over here." Gunhee orders, already reaching into his sweatpants pocket to retrieve his phone while glaring harshly toward jinsun and changkyun . 

"Now gunhee, don't be dramatic, there is no need to call anybody, me and changkyun are just enjoying each others company. Nothing wrong with that." Jinsun says as he loops his arm around changkyuns shoulders and softly kisses his temple. A look of thinly veiled disgust crosses over gunhees face as he stares at the two. More than likely the disgust is aimed at changkyun for letting this all happen, for letting this man ruin him and for asking for it.

"Theres a lot wrong with this, im not fucking blind. Whatever is going on here is everything short of consensual and definitely not healthy." Gunhee is shouting now and changkyun wants to plead with him to be quite, plead with him to just walk out the door and forget all that he saw, something that is very unlikely to happen but the only outcome changkyun can see ending in him not losing everything he has worked for, but he knows he doesn't deserve such a blessing. He wants desperately to open his eyes and realise that all of this was some sick nightmare and not his reality. Changkyun is not so lucky though because all he sees when he opens his eyes is a glare of pure fire in jinsuns eyes.

 

"You should have minded your own fucking business, im going to ruin your life and it's all your fault."The look of disgust stays on gunhees face even when jinsun dives across the room and knocks gunhee to the ground, shouting about minding his own business and staying out of others lives. Changkyun can hear the clear sound of somebody getting punched in the jaw, the sound sickeningly familiar as he tries desperately to block out flashbacks of previous times he's spent with jinsun.

 

Everything gets out of hand very quickly and through the fog of his mind and the tears blocking his vision all changkyun can piece together is shouting and fighting and pushing and somebody keeps shouting his name and he doesn't know and he can't breathe. The sound of punches being thrown and skin hitting skin is driving him crazy and he feels as if he cant breathe and hes breathing too heavy, all at once. 

***  
"What did I tell you changkyun?" Jinsun purrs as he pushes his thumb deeper into the skin of changkyuns  
throat and growls in his ears. Changkyun feels his eyes cloud over and his panic kick in when jinsun completely blocks off his air supply. Hands scrambling in vain against the wooden floor as if they would ease the pressure building in his head.

 

"You just don't learn sweetheart, I keep trying to help you but you just won't listen. You have to understand that you do as I tell you." Jinsun is definitely angry now, his handsome features twisting into an ugly scowl and a vein in his neck is very clearly bulging with the strain. He takes one of his hands off of changkyun throat and roughly cards it through his blonde hair before grabbing a chunk of his fringe and pulling his head back to expose his bruised throat. 

 

Changkyun is expecting some degrading words and a rough round of sex, he knows he was late to this meeting and he knows he deserves a punishment, what changkyun is not expecting is for jinsun to raise his hand and bring it down harshly across changkyuns right cheek. He feels the tears spill down his face and he looks up confused at jinsun, he's never hit him before. Never hurt him with this much intent and purpose. Changkyun knows now in this moment that there is no getting out of this relationship, no leaving jinsun and certainly no leaving with his body and mind intact. He has let this go in for too long and now he is going to pay the price.

 

"You're fifteen now 'kyun, I think it's time for you to learn the real consequences to your selfish actions." Jinsun says as he brings his hand down harshly against changkyuns face again, and again and again until changkyun is bruised all over and sobbing for mercy, for anything but hard blows to his weak and pained body. 

***

The flashbacks continue to plague his mind and he swears he can see one hundred of himself in this very room, can see himself and feel himself as he relives every memory and moment, that he experienced in this god forsaken office, to the beat of gunhee and jinsun fighting in the background. He can see himself crying in the corner, bleeding raw from the loss of his virginity at fourteen, sees his fifteen year old self bruised and beaten for simply being half an hour late, sees himself sprawled passed out on the leather couch as jinsun goes to town on his unconscious body. He sees himself now, swaying dizzily on his feet, naked and covered in hickies, he looks like a whore,he realises, and in this very moment changkyun knows he is worth nothing more.


End file.
